Q&A with Handsome Hector The Dating Guru!

                                                      

                                              "THE DRY SPELL"
 
Q:   Dear Handsome Hector,
         My name is Martin, I'm 29 years old and I've been having a severe dry spell with women and have been very unsuccessful at dating for quite a while now. I just can't seem to meet the right woman. I feel like I've been cursed some how. I don't know what else to do. I've quit drinking, smoking, started working out, biking and boxing. Lost a good amount of weight. Yet I'm still nervous to approach a woman I feel attracted too. How can I overcome this problem?  


A:   Hello Martin:  It seems to me you've got it all backwards. If you want the females you’re gonna have to go back to being the original loser that you were. I would begin by reinstating your loser habits. For starters, get back up on the smoking because women love a bad boy. This should turn your attractiveness up a notch or two. If you can afford an obnoxious, perfectly useless, but loud motorcycle that should be your next step. Then, work on practicing the ole reliable art of manipulation to obtain your next date. When you finally manage to slither your way into a date with an unsuspecting female, make sure you treat her like crap. That's what I do to all of my bitches and they love it. I give the usual disrespectful smell of the anus, stare at the rump and the occasional marking of the ankle and I can't keep them off of me! I would also suggest that you reincorporate all of the other “unhealthy” things you say you have eliminated so start cursing again, drinking and lazying around. If you really want the females crawling all over you, grow yourself an "I'm too cool to work" goatee, throw in a tattoo or three and you should attract some, if not all, of the hottest females around. Works every time my friend.

       As far as your nervousness goes..keep in mind that this is a natural reaction and everyone feels the same as you when trying to ask someone they like out. Try to remember that your the MAN and the female is as much or more nervous than you are. If that doesn't work for you than try to visualize her pooping curb-side. That should relieve some of your tensions.

 P.S.: Forget about losing weight. Gorge on that pizza my friend. Go for females plumper than you. I find a woman in heat usually carries more weight. So find yourself a fatty so that you always look and feel thinner than her. Problem solved.

Not Into That Pesky Little Prop 37 Are Ya?

     I can only imagine that you humans voted against Prop 37 because you’re dying to look like me? Well of course you are; look at me. As part Pig, part Dog with a little Romano Tomato dabbled in for scientific fun, I’m a genuine “Pigdogtatoe”! That’s right: you are witnessing a fine, one-of-a-kind, GMO visual feast! I’m a GMO Grand Special really. And you too, along with your next ten descendants,can achieve a handsomeness likened to mine. Oh yes, with GMOs you can look forward to the same unpredictable results my own mother did. And looking like a lab experiment isn't as easy as it looks you know. First off one must have absolutely zero care or concern for the environment (Oh that Mother Nature is such a nuisance!), secondly billions of dollars must be pooped away on “research” which could be spent on growing real food so that I wouldn’t have to be drooling over this article in the first place. Lastly, billions more must be peed on to make certain the food industry and its overly zealous scientific freaks are not being regulated as weird science is taking place behind closed doors creating Pigdogtatoes like me!

     Now, aside from all the logistics, it also takes a great deal of design and ingenuity to create something as unique and beautiful as me. Hair loss, missing eyes and teeth, a tongue 4 inches too long and random,cancerous warts sprinkled about all take a great deal of ingenious design. And don’t forget about my ravishing interior as well. Indeed, I am filled with tumors, ulcers, unidentifiable floating particles and the list of beauty features is infinite. I know, I know, you didn’t think GMOs could produce such handsomeness. I get it all the time. And according to Wall Street you can have this look for a lot less than you would pay for real food! WOW! That means you can look like me for next to nothing! And we do like our savings don’t we America? Now, you may have to pay ten-fold in future medical costs for your pumpkin-headed children but, hey!, look at what you saved in groceries! You also get the gift of checking out early, and I’m not referring to the grocery line here folks.

      So, come on, go ahead, take the chance, don’t let common sense and wisdom get the best of you! Keep voting against real food.

 P.s.: If K-9s and children both sniff their food for safety and flavor prior to eating it, wouldn’t be wise for the rest of us to do same?

Here's to your health,


Handsome Hector

WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG CONTEST 2012....Hector's LAST round!

Handsome Hector for President 2012!

The Candidates...

Hector's STATE OF THE UNION Address!

     To many of you I may appear to be a mere scrap of orbital debris which fell off some random, unknown planet and landed on this one; but make no bones about it, I am the only candidate with the experience and handsomeness to guide you into a SANE future. As the future President of these sassy United States, I am prepared to represent and protect the human, animal, plant and mineral kingdoms. My position on some of our country’s most pressing issues are as follows: 

                                                         CORRUPTION 

          Let it be known for the record that my time spent at dog parks has led to many years’ experience cleaning up piles and piles of dog sh…..t . Cleaning up Congress should be no different other than the quantity of sh….t collected and the size of dispensers used. There’s no doubt that it will be a sh…..t cleaning bonanza of a mass scale, and as your President I will ask that every American join me in this clean-up effort by bringing all available tools that you may have in your homes: shovels, manure bags, buckets, trucks and air fresheners (a little post clean-up lemon scent always does the trick).

        After the clean-up, I shall put forth a mandate using unusual and torturous methods of punishment. Each governmental criminal shall be forced to live on minimum wage, reside in housing they cannot afford, and go without medical attention during an emergency situation. Furthermore, I will reserve special accommodations in the Halls of Hell for all Corporate Lobbyists. This should be a good start. Do you agree? As President your creative punishment scenarios will always be welcome.

                                                       IMMIGRATION

      I am Pro-Immigration. My plan, after wrapping up my Salsa classes in Miami, is to utilize NASA’s shuttle technology to ensure that all members of our current and previous four administrations are promptly migrated to another time zone.

  

                                                     ENVIRONMENT

      Although I, myself, enjoy releasing a toxic and shame-filled toot every now and then, my mother has greatly influenced my stance on this issue. As a result, my administration shall implement zero “tail” pipe emissions legislation to curb all K-9 tail piping activity. I seek to reduce K-9 gas emissions by 2% within the next century. Cows I cannot speak for. You’re on your own there America.

     Scientists have alerted us that certain frogs and other creatures are beginning to produce offspring which are missing their reproductive organs. During my administration, anyone who threatens our testicle count with environmentally toxic behavior shall be punished to the greatest degree of the law. I’d like all creatures, including humans, to keep their testicles in tact throughout the centuries. I envision a planet full of healthy, robust and vibrant testicles. 

                                                  FOREIGN AFFAIRS

     As a Chinese Crested and a descendant of the Ming Dynasty (circa 1400), I can assure you that our relations with China will be greatly improved. Yes, it’s true, that my ancient ancestry has long been forgotten by the modern Chinese. My Royal breed has been reduced to a fried delicacy on the counter top of every greasy Chinese hole-in-the-wall from Beijing to Honk Kong. But America, this will not be a deterrent as I plan on negotiating with them in their native language with my native Chinese tongue! Did you really think that atrocity had no purpose? Bark at you! Lastly, in appreciation of my Chinese-American heritage, I shall deliver one delicious box of FREE Chow Mein to each American! 

                                                       
                                                           ECONOMY

       In Handsome Hector’s administration there will be plenty of jobs. First and foremost, it takes a legion of people to maintain my handsomeness. As your future President I will need the following:  personal chefs, boxing coaches (for my Congressional battles), personal shoppers (drives back and forth to In-and-Out Burger), masseuses, pedicurists, etc. Sorry, but I already have a hair stylist that I’m very happy with (and yes, 3 hairs still require styling). My maintenance needs should keep one quarter of the country employed. As for the remainder of the country, I shall employ an army of loyal K-9s and humans to team up and identify all foreclosed homes, retrieve their keys, and hand them back to their rightful owners. All mortgages will be interest-free so that Americans are ABLE to circulate money back into their communities. I will drain all bank accounts, foreign and domestic, of all funds looted by current and previous administrations and disburse them back to each and every hard working American. All unemployed K-9s will be working as Wall Street watch dogs to assist me in taking a bite out of crime. All human criminals accused of soft crimes will no longer sit in privatized, profiteering jails; rather, we will put these street savvy fellers to use by giving them work they can be truly passionate and proud of--torturing white collar criminals. For the friendlier fellers on death row, we will place them in courtyards together with randomly selected corporate lobbyists (a double blind study), and employ countless coroners and researchers to analyze the interactions between the two groups and report back to us with their findings. All other humans will be employed to dismantle nuclear power plants, military bases, poisonous refineries, and to clean our streets, highways, rivers and parks. My economic policies, along with the swoop of my marvelous four inch tongue, should clean our country and rectify the employment and  crime rates simultaneously.

 

Handsome Hector - On The Cover!

Hector for President 2012!

      With the quality of candidates being ooooh….sooo painfully low and the nation's problems and debt being alarmingly high, Handsome Hector has decided to take matters into his own hands. Humans have run amuck of our country and a mockery of our Constitution far too long and Hector isn't going to take it any more! As of today, January 12, 2012, Handsome Hector has submitted his entry for candidacy in the race for the next President of the United States of America 2012! All humans, K-9s, furry, or hairless creatures within the animal kingdom are urged to join and support Hector in what will be Hector's most daunting task- giving the country back to the humans. Hector is prepared to lose his joyous life at the local parks working tirelessly for all humans with one minor stipulation− that all creatures of the animal kingdom receive a FREE lifetime supply of unpolluted, non-toxic, natural habitat foods along with natural, fresh drinking water  in every part of the globe (ya know, the way nature originally intended it?). This means anyone caught dumping toxins and pollutants and violating Mother Nature during his Presidency will receive the wrath of Hector's baldness!

      Hector wishes all the running candidates his best (not really) but sincerely hopes they understand that packing it up right now would serve them best as he is already in discussions for Presidential wardrobe options. May the best "man" win! And more importantly, PEACE on Earth.

Chronicles of Heinousness

 Just when we thought that being good looking was the end-all to a "happy" life, Handsome Hector has single-handedly shown through his ravishing exterior that beauty is not only skin deep but that anyone can obtain love and the "high life" in spite of a hideous exterior. Born in Sacramento (circa 2000) with the heart and mannerisms of a true junkyard dog, Handsome Hector, a.k.a. Hecki, is, in his own opinion, devastatingly handsome. He is short (approximately 3 inches off the ground), fat, bald and never misses a day to alarm the general public with his handsomeness. He's quite proud and confident of his two combed hairs, and his confidence renders him fearless! Farting, snorting and smearing his naked body on duck excrement are just a few of the talents acquired during his time spent in finishing school. Despite all efforts on his mother's part to refine him, he remains to go where no other scrapper can or is willing to go....garbage cans, alley ways, public toilets and junkyards searching for that one divine crumb. Handsome Hector's life motto is to eat like a pig, look like a rat and lounge like a bloated seal!

'Copyright 2008', Ghada Marta

The Lineage.....

      

       Will mankind enter the 22nd century without solving the most pressing, unsolved mystery? The mystery of where and WHAT Handsome Hector came from?

      Recently, genetic analysis was done to identify Handsome Hector's "special" lineage. One modern technique, known as genetic mapping, was instrumental in leading us to some very strong clues about Hector's ancestry. Initially the map lead us to the shared genetic ancestry of ET. We were very excited about this discovery until we witnessed a branching off of Hector's lineage from ET ancestry to the African Warthog family. At one other critical genetic intersection we followed a few mutated creatures that led to further shared ancestry which would make Hector the cousin of the pterodactyl. It appears the scientific community is in a confusional frenzy and has their work cut out for them. Although geneticists visited members of the  seemingly closest relative to Hector to prove their findings, the African Warthogs themselves would not admit to having any direct or indirect connection to anything as heinous as Handsome Hector.  In light of this data, we are still uncertain of what exact genetic or chromosomal interaction took place thousands of years ago to produce a Handsome Hector. Thus far, until more advanced techniques are introduced, Handsome Hector remains an unsolvable genetic mystery.Until then we will keep the public posted on our most recent findings and issue any public warnings if deemed necessary.

"Copyright 2008 Ghada Marta"

It Ain't Pretty Being Ugly. Sacramento's 2011 win!

      Handsome Hector wins another round! Last night Hecki licked the competition by taking 1st place in the 2011 Sacramento's Ugliest and Cutest Dog Contest. Upon arrival, Hector registered himself for the ugly part of the contest and then sat in his luxury stroller curb side watching all the other hopefuls register. Hecki already knew that he had it in the bag but rather than rubbing it in or sending his competitors home early, he chose to let them kid themselves and have their day too.

     Show biz isn't easy for Hector but someone's got to pay the price for beauty and fame. Hours of driving, waiting long periods in green rooms forced to eat substandard service foods and risking his personal safety in communities where the people have less teeth than he does. Hector thoroughly enjoyed playing "lets count the teeth" in last nights particular district. Hecki also wished that his stroller wheels had been modified with 19” inch gold spinning rims to suit the area, but his management team failed him once again. While waiting the two hours for the contest to begin, Hector had his usual entourage of humans stroll him around the hood. Since most of the shop windows were covered with iron bars, Hecki decided it would be safer to stroll down the "nicer" side of the street. Hecki wanted to look for something decent to eat. During his stroll-about, a gourmet vegan Café appeared out of no where! Hector couldn't contain his excitement! Although he perused the menu, he didn't buy a thing from this café. He’s familiar with the price of an organic Spirulina Vegi Squeeze and it certainly isn't seven dollars! While there, he also couldn’t help but think , “heeeeeeeeeeeey, hoooooooooo what the heck is an over priced vegan Cafe doing in the middle of a ghettoooooo?” No, no, he and his humans shuffled along to look elsewhere. While strolling a bit further, another unexpected and overpriced antique store appeared? Now Hecki lives a high society life and is accustomed to high end goods, but again, he couldn't understand why there was an over priced antique store several blocks away from a line-up of Paddy Wagons? This hood made no sense to Hecki at all! Anywho, he and his entourage strolled and strolled until the whiff of burgers and fries finally reached his Bat-like nostrils. Per his instructions, his humans did a 360 in the direction of the irresistible smell. Ahhh, alas Hecki found a cafe resembling the one from Pulp Fiction. The fanciest place in town! His humans bought him a greasy club sandwich with a side of greasier fries mmmm, mmmm, good. 

     Hector also brought his girl friend Willow with him to enter in the "Cutest Dog" part of the contest. Hector treats Willow like a princess. Willow is quite the beauty. She's also quite the cheatin, trampin, two-timing little hooker of a girl friend. Hector knows she can't be trusted around other K-9s so he brings her along most of the time to keep an eye on her. The last time he left her at home she shacked up with some mutt named Charlie. Hector found the photos when he came home one day. All the fame, money and pedigree in Hector and she still wants another K-9! And a jobless, scrappy little inbred mutt at that! Hector hasn't forgiven or trusted her since and he refuses to share his stroller with her until she's convinced him otherwise.  It's all in a days work for Hecki.

2011 World's Ugliest Dog Contest..........HectOr the ContendOr is back!

   
     A brutal training regimen was not what Handsome Hector had in mind when signing on for this year’s contest. Initially he was in it for the loot and fairground corn dogs, but after a realistic gut check he came to see that his bloated body was not up to par for the stiff competition. As much as he loathes exercise, he was now going to have to walk a full block to get his body streamlined and competition ready. It was a huge undertaking to convince Hector that he couldn’t do his exercises from his hammock. He’s all too familiar with the difficult and unpleasant task of losing weight for a weigh in, but I promised Hector that he would never have to set his ONE eye on a glass of protein powder during his intense conditioning, and this made him very happy! So, like all combat athletes do, Hector set a goal. That goal was to lose weight and build muscle by walking one block. During this hard-core training, enthusiastic spectators were shocked to see Hector out of his stroller and walking. Hydration belts, protein snacks (yard lizards) and sponge bath stations every few feet were all part of the effort to get Hector’s ugly ass back into shape for this year’s competition. Of course Hector disputed the unfavorable training conditions, but the promise of a fairground corn dog x 4 kept his motivation and endurance at peak levels.

     

      Like all athletes Hecki also trains his mind for the competition. Every night he chants a mantra that would guarantee first prize…”The thousand dollars and corn dogs are mine!”, “The thousand dollars and corn dogs are mine!”. 

     May the ugliest dog win!

Luxury and Gluttony

     Despite the fact that Handsome Hector resembles a remnant from the Jurassic period, most of us would give our right arm to experience even the smallest taste of his lavish life style. Today the fat bastard took a long, hot bubble bath, was bundled up in his yellow ducky towel, rewarded with a treat and then sat in anticipation for the grand finale......his almond oil body massage. Yup, Hector's a balding bastard so luckily for him his skin requires regular moisturizing treatments. During his wait, as I prep the oils and candles, he has the nerve to spread all fours and ready himself in full expectation of this pleasurable rub down. Of all the massage treatments Hector has experienced, this one is his all time favorite.  Olive oils, sesame oils and various aromatherapy oils have been applied to Hector's bloated body but he insists that none make him feel as smooth and supple as the sweet almond oil. Does the bloated seal ever concern himself with where these special oils come from? No. Does he inquire as to who pays for them? No. The goods and the slave labor simply "show up". But that's why I love Handsome Hector; he teaches me a great deal on the art of appreciating the "self". Some say he's bordering on egocentricity, but I say he's bordering on becoming a fuller, more whole bodied Hecki.

"Copyright 2008" Ghada Marta

Luxury and Gluttony: Part Deux

       Before I proceed to reveal Handsome Hector's culinary tastes, a full disclosure regarding his food behavior should be noted. Hector is a complex creature who has some behavioral issues around food. He has been diagnosed with pathological food obsession and, like any heroin addict, one must never get between him and his barbecued ribs or there will be hell to pay.
     
     Hector's daily cuisine puts his spa treatments to shame. On a typical day he has an average of two slaves cooking over the stove for him. One chef is responsible for the whole grains, legumes and vegetables, the other for meat and deserts. Beef stew, lamb shanks, sushi and forbidden wild rice are standard Hecki requests. His menu is infinite!  Making sure that I purchase the "right" foods, he insists on sitting in the shopping cart for a collaborative shopping endeavor. Hector is on a first name basis with most of the Whole Foods employees and has greatly contributed to the healthy price of their corporate stock. And yes, just in case you were wondering, his one bulbous eye-ball and draping tongue are out and ready for the taking each time we pass those free meat samplers at the hot deli case. A successful day for Handsome Hector is any day when begging, stealing, hoarding and manipulating for food works to his "flavor". Other than offering daily comic relief to the general population, gluttony seems to be his life purpose and true calling. Because of his abnormal food addiction, Hector has been known to mistake sheet rock for cake on many occasions. Even his stroller plates (yes, the flying bat commutes via pet stroller) read GLUTTONY. He simply can't be bothered with absurd concepts like portion control and body movement. If Hecki had it his way, institutions like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig would be outlawed. And the only movement he's interested in is his daily bowl movements. 
Yes! I'd trade my looks in for his any day. Wouldn't you?


"Copyright 2008" Ghada Marta