Monday, February 4, 2013

Q&A with Handsome Hector The Dating Guru!


                                              "THE DRY SPELL"
Q:   Dear Handsome Hector,
         My name is Martin, I'm 29 years old and I've been having a severe dry spell with women and have been very unsuccessful at dating for quite a while now. I just can't seem to meet the right woman. I feel like I've been cursed some how. I don't know what else to do. I've quit drinking, smoking, started working out, biking and boxing. Lost a good amount of weight. Yet I'm still nervous to approach a woman I feel attracted too. How can I overcome this problem?  

A:   Hello Martin:  It seems to me you've got it all backwards. If you want the females you’re gonna have to go back to being the original loser that you were. I would begin by reinstating your loser habits. For starters, get back up on the smoking because women love a bad boy. This should turn your attractiveness up a notch or two. If you can afford an obnoxious, perfectly useless, but loud motorcycle that should be your next step. Then, work on practicing the ole reliable art of manipulation to obtain your next date. When you finally manage to slither your way into a date with an unsuspecting female, make sure you treat her like crap. That's what I do to all of my bitches and they love it. I give the usual disrespectful smell of the anus, stare at the rump and the occasional marking of the ankle and I can't keep them off of me! I would also suggest that you reincorporate all of the other “unhealthy” things you say you have eliminated so start cursing again, drinking and lazying around. If you really want the females crawling all over you, grow yourself an "I'm too cool to work" goatee, throw in a tattoo or three and you should attract some, if not all, of the hottest females around. Works every time my friend.

       As far as your nervousness goes..keep in mind that this is a natural reaction and everyone feels the same as you when trying to ask someone they like out. Try to remember that your the MAN and the female is as much or more nervous than you are. If that doesn't work for you than try to visualize her pooping curb-side. That should relieve some of your tensions.

 P.S.: Forget about losing weight. Gorge on that pizza my friend. Go for females plumper than you. I find a woman in heat usually carries more weight. So find yourself a fatty so that you always look and feel thinner than her. Problem solved.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Not Into That Pesky Little Prop 37 Are Ya?

     I can only imagine that you humans voted against Prop 37 because you’re dying to look like me? Well of course you are; look at me. As part Pig, part Dog with a little Romano Tomato dabbled in for scientific fun, I’m a genuine “Pigdogtatoe”! That’s right: you are witnessing a fine, one-of-a-kind, GMO visual feast! I’m a GMO Grand Special really. And you too, along with your next ten descendants,can achieve a handsomeness likened to mine. Oh yes, with GMOs you can look forward to the same unpredictable results my own mother did. And looking like a lab experiment isn't as easy as it looks you know. First off one must have absolutely zero care or concern for the environment (Oh that Mother Nature is such a nuisance!), secondly billions of dollars must be pooped away on “research” which could be spent on growing real food so that I wouldn’t have to be drooling over this article in the first place. Lastly, billions more must be peed on to make certain the food industry and its overly zealous scientific freaks are not being regulated as weird science is taking place behind closed doors creating Pigdogtatoes like me!

     Now, aside from all the logistics, it also takes a great deal of design and ingenuity to create something as unique and beautiful as me. Hair loss, missing eyes and teeth, a tongue 4 inches too long and random,cancerous warts sprinkled about all take a great deal of ingenious design. And don’t forget about my ravishing interior as well. Indeed, I am filled with tumors, ulcers, unidentifiable floating particles and the list of beauty features is infinite. I know, I know, you didn’t think GMOs could produce such handsomeness. I get it all the time. And according to Wall Street you can have this look for a lot less than you would pay for real food! WOW! That means you can look like me for next to nothing! And we do like our savings don’t we America? Now, you may have to pay ten-fold in future medical costs for your pumpkin-headed children but, hey!, look at what you saved in groceries! You also get the gift of checking out early, and I’m not referring to the grocery line here folks.

      So, come on, go ahead, take the chance, don’t let common sense and wisdom get the best of you! Keep voting against real food.

 P.s.: If K-9s and children both sniff their food for safety and flavor prior to eating it, wouldn’t be wise for the rest of us to do same?

Here's to your health,

Handsome Hector