Friday, November 11, 2011

Chronicles of Heinousness

 Just when we thought that being good looking was the end-all to a "happy" life, Handsome Hector has single-handedly shown through his ravishing exterior that beauty is not only skin deep but that anyone can obtain love and the "high life" in spite of a hideous exterior. Born in Sacramento (circa 2000) with the heart and mannerisms of a true junkyard dog, Handsome Hector, a.k.a. Hecki, is, in his own opinion, devastatingly handsome. He is short (approximately 3 inches off the ground), fat, bald and never misses a day to alarm the general public with his handsomeness. He's quite proud and confident of his two combed hairs, and his confidence renders him fearless! Farting, snorting and smearing his naked body on duck excrement are just a few of the talents acquired during his time spent in finishing school. Despite all efforts on his mother's part to refine him, he remains to go where no other scrapper can or is willing to go....garbage cans, alley ways, public toilets and junkyards searching for that one divine crumb. Handsome Hector's life motto is to eat like a pig, look like a rat and lounge like a bloated seal!

'Copyright 2008', Ghada Marta

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Lineage.....

       Will mankind enter the 22nd century without solving the most pressing, unsolved mystery? The mystery of where and WHAT Handsome Hector came from?

      Recently, genetic analysis was done to identify Handsome Hector's "special" lineage. One modern technique, known as genetic mapping, was instrumental in leading us to some very strong clues about Hector's ancestry. Initially the map lead us to the shared genetic ancestry of ET. We were very excited about this discovery until we witnessed a branching off of Hector's lineage from ET ancestry to the African Warthog family. At one other critical genetic intersection we followed a few mutated creatures that led to further shared ancestry which would make Hector the cousin of the pterodactyl. It appears the scientific community is in a confusional frenzy and has their work cut out for them. Although geneticists visited members of the  seemingly closest relative to Hector to prove their findings, the African Warthogs themselves would not admit to having any direct or indirect connection to anything as heinous as Handsome Hector.  In light of this data, we are still uncertain of what exact genetic or chromosomal interaction took place thousands of years ago to produce a Handsome Hector. Thus far, until more advanced techniques are introduced, Handsome Hector remains an unsolvable genetic mystery.Until then we will keep the public posted on our most recent findings and issue any public warnings if deemed necessary.

"Copyright 2008 Ghada Marta"

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It Ain't Pretty Being Ugly. Sacramento's 2011 win!

      Handsome Hector wins another round! Last night Hecki licked the competition by taking 1st place in the 2011 Sacramento's Ugliest and Cutest Dog Contest. Upon arrival, Hector registered himself for the ugly part of the contest and then sat in his luxury stroller curb side watching all the other hopefuls register. Hecki already knew that he had it in the bag but rather than rubbing it in or sending his competitors home early, he chose to let them kid themselves and have their day too.
     Show biz isn't easy for Hector but someone's got to pay the price for beauty and fame. Hours of driving, waiting long periods in green rooms forced to eat substandard service foods and risking his personal safety in communities where the people have less teeth than he does. Hector thoroughly enjoyed playing "lets count the teeth" in last nights particular district. Hecki also wished that his stroller wheels had been modified with 19” inch gold spinning rims to suit the area, but his management team failed him once again. While waiting the two hours for the contest to begin, Hector had his usual entourage of humans stroll him around the hood. Since most of the shop windows were covered with iron bars, Hecki decided it would be safer to stroll down the "nicer" side of the street. Hecki wanted to look for something decent to eat. During his stroll-about, a gourmet vegan Café appeared out of no where! Hector couldn't contain his excitement! Although he perused the menu, he didn't buy a thing from this café. He’s familiar with the price of an organic Spirulina Vegi Squeeze and it certainly isn't seven dollars! While there, he also couldn’t help but think , “heeeeeeeeeeeey, hoooooooooo what the heck is an over priced vegan Cafe doing in the middle of a ghettoooooo?” No, no, he and his humans shuffled along to look elsewhere. While strolling a bit further, another unexpected and overpriced antique store appeared? Now Hecki lives a high society life and is accustomed to high end goods, but again, he couldn't understand why there was an over priced antique store several blocks away from a line-up of Paddy Wagons? This hood made no sense to Hecki at all! Anywho, he and his entourage strolled and strolled until the whiff of burgers and fries finally reached his Bat-like nostrils. Per his instructions, his humans did a 360 in the direction of the irresistible smell. Ahhh, alas Hecki found a cafe resembling the one from Pulp Fiction. The fanciest place in town! His humans bought him a greasy club sandwich with a side of greasier fries mmmm, mmmm, good. 
     Hector also brought his girl friend Willow with him to enter in the "Cutest Dog" part of the contest. Hector treats Willow like a princess. Willow is quite the beauty. She's also quite the cheatin, trampin, two-timing little hooker of a girl friend. Hector knows she can't be trusted around other K-9s so he brings her along most of the time to keep an eye on her. The last time he left her at home she shacked up with some mutt named Charlie. Hector found the photos when he came home one day. All the fame, money and pedigree in Hector and she still wants another K-9! And a jobless, scrappy little inbred mutt at that! Hector hasn't forgiven or trusted her since and he refuses to share his stroller with her until she's convinced him otherwise.  It's all in a days work for Hecki.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

2011 World's Ugliest Dog Contest..........HectOr the ContendOr is back!

     A brutal training regimen was not what Handsome Hector had in mind when signing on for this year’s contest. Initially he was in it for the loot and fairground corn dogs, but after a realistic gut check he came to see that his bloated body was not up to par for the stiff competition. As much as he loathes exercise, he was now going to have to walk a full block to get his body streamlined and competition ready. It was a huge undertaking to convince Hector that he couldn’t do his exercises from his hammock. He’s all too familiar with the difficult and unpleasant task of losing weight for a weigh in, but I promised Hector that he would never have to set his ONE eye on a glass of protein powder during his intense conditioning, and this made him very happy! So, like all combat athletes do, Hector set a goal. That goal was to lose weight and build muscle by walking one block. During this hard-core training, enthusiastic spectators were shocked to see Hector out of his stroller and walking. Hydration belts, protein snacks (yard lizards) and sponge bath stations every few feet were all part of the effort to get Hector’s ugly ass back into shape for this year’s competition. Of course Hector disputed the unfavorable training conditions, but the promise of a fairground corn dog x 4 kept his motivation and endurance at peak levels.
      Like all athletes Hecki also trains his mind for the competition. Every night he chants a mantra that would guarantee first prize…”The thousand dollars and corn dogs are mine!”, “The thousand dollars and corn dogs are mine!”. 

     May the ugliest dog win!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Luxury and Gluttony

     Despite the fact that Handsome Hector resembles a remnant from the Jurassic period, most of us would give our right arm to experience even the smallest taste of his lavish life style. Today the fat bastard took a long, hot bubble bath, was bundled up in his yellow ducky towel, rewarded with a treat and then sat in anticipation for the grand finale......his almond oil body massage. Yup, Hector's a balding bastard so luckily for him his skin requires regular moisturizing treatments. During his wait, as I prep the oils and candles, he has the nerve to spread all fours and ready himself in full expectation of this pleasurable rub down. Of all the massage treatments Hector has experienced, this one is his all time favorite.  Olive oils, sesame oils and various aromatherapy oils have been applied to Hector's bloated body but he insists that none make him feel as smooth and supple as the sweet almond oil. Does the bloated seal ever concern himself with where these special oils come from? No. Does he inquire as to who pays for them? No. The goods and the slave labor simply "show up". But that's why I love Handsome Hector; he teaches me a great deal on the art of appreciating the "self". Some say he's bordering on egocentricity, but I say he's bordering on becoming a fuller, more whole bodied Hecki.

"Copyright 2008" Ghada Marta

Luxury and Gluttony: Part Deux

       Before I proceed to reveal Handsome Hector's culinary tastes, a full disclosure regarding his food behavior should be noted. Hector is a complex creature who has some behavioral issues around food. He has been diagnosed with pathological food obsession and, like any heroin addict, one must never get between him and his barbecued ribs or there will be hell to pay.
     Hector's daily cuisine puts his spa treatments to shame. On a typical day he has an average of two slaves cooking over the stove for him. One chef is responsible for the whole grains, legumes and vegetables, the other for meat and deserts. Beef stew, lamb shanks, sushi and forbidden wild rice are standard Hecki requests. His menu is infinite!  Making sure that I purchase the "right" foods, he insists on sitting in the shopping cart for a collaborative shopping endeavor. Hector is on a first name basis with most of the Whole Foods employees and has greatly contributed to the healthy price of their corporate stock. And yes, just in case you were wondering, his one bulbous eye-ball and draping tongue are out and ready for the taking each time we pass those free meat samplers at the hot deli case. A successful day for Handsome Hector is any day when begging, stealing, hoarding and manipulating for food works to his "flavor". Other than offering daily comic relief to the general population, gluttony seems to be his life purpose and true calling. Because of his abnormal food addiction, Hector has been known to mistake sheet rock for cake on many occasions. Even his stroller plates (yes, the flying bat commutes via pet stroller) read GLUTTONY. He simply can't be bothered with absurd concepts like portion control and body movement. If Hecki had it his way, institutions like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig would be outlawed. And the only movement he's interested in is his daily bowl movements. 
Yes! I'd trade my looks in for his any day. Wouldn't you?

"Copyright 2008" Ghada Marta