Monday, February 4, 2013

Q&A with Handsome Hector The Dating Guru!


                                              "THE DRY SPELL"
Q:   Dear Handsome Hector,
         My name is Martin, I'm 29 years old and I've been having a severe dry spell with women and have been very unsuccessful at dating for quite a while now. I just can't seem to meet the right woman. I feel like I've been cursed some how. I don't know what else to do. I've quit drinking, smoking, started working out, biking and boxing. Lost a good amount of weight. Yet I'm still nervous to approach a woman I feel attracted too. How can I overcome this problem?  

A:   Hello Martin:  It seems to me you've got it all backwards. If you want the females you’re gonna have to go back to being the original loser that you were. I would begin by reinstating your loser habits. For starters, get back up on the smoking because women love a bad boy. This should turn your attractiveness up a notch or two. If you can afford an obnoxious, perfectly useless, but loud motorcycle that should be your next step. Then, work on practicing the ole reliable art of manipulation to obtain your next date. When you finally manage to slither your way into a date with an unsuspecting female, make sure you treat her like crap. That's what I do to all of my bitches and they love it. I give the usual disrespectful smell of the anus, stare at the rump and the occasional marking of the ankle and I can't keep them off of me! I would also suggest that you reincorporate all of the other “unhealthy” things you say you have eliminated so start cursing again, drinking and lazying around. If you really want the females crawling all over you, grow yourself an "I'm too cool to work" goatee, throw in a tattoo or three and you should attract some, if not all, of the hottest females around. Works every time my friend.

       As far as your nervousness goes..keep in mind that this is a natural reaction and everyone feels the same as you when trying to ask someone they like out. Try to remember that your the MAN and the female is as much or more nervous than you are. If that doesn't work for you than try to visualize her pooping curb-side. That should relieve some of your tensions.

 P.S.: Forget about losing weight. Gorge on that pizza my friend. Go for females plumper than you. I find a woman in heat usually carries more weight. So find yourself a fatty so that you always look and feel thinner than her. Problem solved.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Not Into That Pesky Little Prop 37 Are Ya?

     I can only imagine that you humans voted against Prop 37 because you’re dying to look like me? Well of course you are; look at me. As part Pig, part Dog with a little Romano Tomato dabbled in for scientific fun, I’m a genuine “Pigdogtatoe”! That’s right: you are witnessing a fine, one-of-a-kind, GMO visual feast! I’m a GMO Grand Special really. And you too, along with your next ten descendants,can achieve a handsomeness likened to mine. Oh yes, with GMOs you can look forward to the same unpredictable results my own mother did. And looking like a lab experiment isn't as easy as it looks you know. First off one must have absolutely zero care or concern for the environment (Oh that Mother Nature is such a nuisance!), secondly billions of dollars must be pooped away on “research” which could be spent on growing real food so that I wouldn’t have to be drooling over this article in the first place. Lastly, billions more must be peed on to make certain the food industry and its overly zealous scientific freaks are not being regulated as weird science is taking place behind closed doors creating Pigdogtatoes like me!

     Now, aside from all the logistics, it also takes a great deal of design and ingenuity to create something as unique and beautiful as me. Hair loss, missing eyes and teeth, a tongue 4 inches too long and random,cancerous warts sprinkled about all take a great deal of ingenious design. And don’t forget about my ravishing interior as well. Indeed, I am filled with tumors, ulcers, unidentifiable floating particles and the list of beauty features is infinite. I know, I know, you didn’t think GMOs could produce such handsomeness. I get it all the time. And according to Wall Street you can have this look for a lot less than you would pay for real food! WOW! That means you can look like me for next to nothing! And we do like our savings don’t we America? Now, you may have to pay ten-fold in future medical costs for your pumpkin-headed children but, hey!, look at what you saved in groceries! You also get the gift of checking out early, and I’m not referring to the grocery line here folks.

      So, come on, go ahead, take the chance, don’t let common sense and wisdom get the best of you! Keep voting against real food.

 P.s.: If K-9s and children both sniff their food for safety and flavor prior to eating it, wouldn’t be wise for the rest of us to do same?

Here's to your health,

Handsome Hector

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Candidates...

Hector's STATE OF THE UNION Address!

     To many of you I may appear to be a mere scrap of orbital debris which fell off some random, unknown planet and landed on this one; but make no bones about it, I am the only candidate with the experience and handsomeness to guide you into a SANE future. As the future President of these sassy United States, I am prepared to represent and protect the human, animal, plant and mineral kingdoms. My position on some of our country’s most pressing issues are as follows: 


          Let it be known for the record that my time spent at dog parks has led to many years’ experience cleaning up piles and piles of dog sh…..t . Cleaning up Congress should be no different other than the quantity of sh….t collected and the size of dispensers used. There’s no doubt that it will be a sh…..t cleaning bonanza of a mass scale, and as your President I will ask that every American join me in this clean-up effort by bringing all available tools that you may have in your homes: shovels, manure bags, buckets, trucks and air fresheners (a little post clean-up lemon scent always does the trick).

        After the clean-up, I shall put forth a mandate using unusual and torturous methods of punishment. Each governmental criminal shall be forced to live on minimum wage, reside in housing they cannot afford, and go without medical attention during an emergency situation. Furthermore, I will reserve special accommodations in the Halls of Hell for all Corporate Lobbyists. This should be a good start. Do you agree? As President your creative punishment scenarios will always be welcome.


      I am Pro-Immigration. My plan, after wrapping up my Salsa classes in Miami, is to utilize NASA’s shuttle technology to ensure that all members of our current and previous four administrations are promptly migrated to another time zone.

      Although I, myself, enjoy releasing a toxic and shame-filled toot every now and then, my mother has greatly influenced my stance on this issue. As a result, my administration shall implement zero “tail” pipe emissions legislation to curb all K-9 tail piping activity. I seek to reduce K-9 gas emissions by 2% within the next century. Cows I cannot speak for. You’re on your own there America.

     Scientists have alerted us that certain frogs and other creatures are beginning to produce offspring which are missing their reproductive organs. During my administration, anyone who threatens our testicle count with environmentally toxic behavior shall be punished to the greatest degree of the law. I’d like all creatures, including humans, to keep their testicles in tact throughout the centuries. I envision a planet full of healthy, robust and vibrant testicles. 

                                                  FOREIGN AFFAIRS

     As a Chinese Crested and a descendant of the Ming Dynasty (circa 1400), I can assure you that our relations with China will be greatly improved. Yes, it’s true, that my ancient ancestry has long been forgotten by the modern Chinese. My Royal breed has been reduced to a fried delicacy on the counter top of every greasy Chinese hole-in-the-wall from Beijing to Honk Kong. But America, this will not be a deterrent as I plan on negotiating with them in their native language with my native Chinese tongue! Did you really think that atrocity had no purpose? Bark at you! Lastly, in appreciation of my Chinese-American heritage, I shall deliver one delicious box of FREE Chow Mein to each American! 


       In Handsome Hector’s administration there will be plenty of jobs. First and foremost, it takes a legion of people to maintain my handsomeness. As your future President I will need the following:  personal chefs, boxing coaches (for my Congressional battles), personal shoppers (drives back and forth to In-and-Out Burger), masseuses, pedicurists, etc. Sorry, but I already have a hair stylist that I’m very happy with (and yes, 3 hairs still require styling). My maintenance needs should keep one quarter of the country employed. As for the remainder of the country, I shall employ an army of loyal K-9s and humans to team up and identify all foreclosed homes, retrieve their keys, and hand them back to their rightful owners. All mortgages will be interest-free so that Americans are ABLE to circulate money back into their communities. I will drain all bank accounts, foreign and domestic, of all funds looted by current and previous administrations and disburse them back to each and every hard working American. All unemployed K-9s will be working as Wall Street watch dogs to assist me in taking a bite out of crime. All human criminals accused of soft crimes will no longer sit in privatized, profiteering jails; rather, we will put these street savvy fellers to use by giving them work they can be truly passionate and proud of--torturing white collar criminals. For the friendlier fellers on death row, we will place them in courtyards together with randomly selected corporate lobbyists (a double blind study), and employ countless coroners and researchers to analyze the interactions between the two groups and report back to us with their findings. All other humans will be employed to dismantle nuclear power plants, military bases, poisonous refineries, and to clean our streets, highways, rivers and parks. My economic policies, along with the swoop of my marvelous four inch tongue, should clean our country and rectify the employment and  crime rates simultaneously.