Thursday, January 26, 2012
Hector's STATE OF THE UNION Address!
To many of you I may appear to be a mere scrap of orbital debris which fell off some random, unknown planet and landed on this one; but make no bones about it, I am the only candidate with the experience and handsomeness to guide you into a SANE future. As the future President of these sassy United States, I am prepared to represent and protect the human, animal, plant and mineral kingdoms. My position on some of our country’s most pressing issues are as follows:
Let it be known for the record that my time spent at dog parks has led to many years’ experience cleaning up piles and piles of dog sh…..t . Cleaning up Congress should be no different other than the quantity of sh….t collected and the size of dispensers used. There’s no doubt that it will be a sh…..t cleaning bonanza of a mass scale, and as your President I will ask that every American join me in this clean-up effort by bringing all available tools that you may have in your homes: shovels, manure bags, buckets, trucks and air fresheners (a little post clean-up lemon scent always does the trick).
After the clean-up, I shall put forth a mandate using unusual and torturous methods of punishment. Each governmental criminal shall be forced to live on minimum wage, reside in housing they cannot afford, and go without medical attention during an emergency situation. Furthermore, I will reserve special accommodations in the Halls of Hell for all Corporate Lobbyists. This should be a good start. Do you agree? As President your creative punishment scenarios will always be welcome.
I am Pro-Immigration. My plan, after wrapping up my Salsa classes in Miami, is to utilize NASA’s shuttle technology to ensure that all members of our current and previous four administrations are promptly migrated to another time zone.
Although I, myself, enjoy releasing a toxic and shame-filled toot every now and then, my mother has greatly influenced my stance on this issue. As a result, my administration shall implement zero “tail” pipe emissions legislation to curb all K-9 tail piping activity. I seek to reduce K-9 gas emissions by 2% within the next century. Cows I cannot speak for. You’re on your own there America.
Scientists have alerted us that certain frogs and other creatures are beginning to produce offspring which are missing their reproductive organs. During my administration, anyone who threatens our testicle count with environmentally toxic behavior shall be punished to the greatest degree of the law. I’d like all creatures, including humans, to keep their testicles in tact throughout the centuries. I envision a planet full of healthy, robust and vibrant testicles.
As a Chinese Crested and a descendant of the Ming Dynasty (circa 1400), I can assure you that our relations with China will be greatly improved. Yes, it’s true, that my ancient ancestry has long been forgotten by the modern Chinese. My Royal breed has been reduced to a fried delicacy on the counter top of every greasy Chinese hole-in-the-wall from Beijing to Honk Kong. But America, this will not be a deterrent as I plan on negotiating with them in their native language with my native Chinese tongue! Did you really think that atrocity had no purpose? Bark at you! Lastly, in appreciation of my Chinese-American heritage, I shall deliver one delicious box of FREE Chow Mein to each American!
In Handsome Hector’s administration there will be plenty of jobs. First and foremost, it takes a legion of people to maintain my handsomeness. As your future President I will need the following: personal chefs, boxing coaches (for my Congressional battles), personal shoppers (drives back and forth to In-and-Out Burger), masseuses, pedicurists, etc. Sorry, but I already have a hair stylist that I’m very happy with (and yes, 3 hairs still require styling). My maintenance needs should keep one quarter of the country employed. As for the remainder of the country, I shall employ an army of loyal K-9s and humans to team up and identify all foreclosed homes, retrieve their keys, and hand them back to their rightful owners. All mortgages will be interest-free so that Americans are ABLE to circulate money back into their communities. I will drain all bank accounts, foreign and domestic, of all funds looted by current and previous administrations and disburse them back to each and every hard working American. All unemployed K-9s will be working as Wall Street watch dogs to assist me in taking a bite out of crime. All human criminals accused of soft crimes will no longer sit in privatized, profiteering jails; rather, we will put these street savvy fellers to use by giving them work they can be truly passionate and proud of--torturing white collar criminals. For the friendlier fellers on death row, we will place them in courtyards together with randomly selected corporate lobbyists (a double blind study), and employ countless coroners and researchers to analyze the interactions between the two groups and report back to us with their findings. All other humans will be employed to dismantle nuclear power plants, military bases, poisonous refineries, and to clean our streets, highways, rivers and parks. My economic policies, along with the swoop of my marvelous four inch tongue, should clean our country and rectify the employment and crime rates simultaneously.
Posted by Handsome Hector at 9:41 AM